One of the main reason’s I wanted to start a blog is to make sense of having a baby.

That might sound silly. I’ll try my best to explain.

When you tell people you are pregnant with your first child you get the usual words of wisdom like ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ and ‘best days of your life’, you will most certainlyย get birthing horror stories of rips and tears in places you can’t even name. All of this never phased me, I didn’t watch birth videos, I didn’t attend classes, I just went about my business completely naive to the projectile shit that was about to hit the fan.

Not once did I entertain the idea of having a baby as anything less than amazing and wonderful and I couldn’t wait to fill up with love the moment I saw my baby.

That never happened. Nothing happened like I imagined it would. I’m not sure if I really imagined anything, I know I certainly didn’t imagine how tough it would be, I was not prepared for that at all.

I completely lost myself, Kirsty was gone and a exhausted huge boobed mum machine was in her place. Post natal depression kicked in, not only was my body completely changed (in my eyes) but my mind was too. I was mental. Actually mental. There’s no better word to describe it.

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Jess doing her best Vulcan salute whilst having a feed

Now that I am feeling much less mental, I feel upset. Upset that I was robbed of Jessica’s first few months as I hated every minute of it, but I’m more upset that every parent I’v spoke to can relate to it. So why was there no heads up before there was a head out my body?!

I knew my life would change after a baby, I guess I didn’t expect that I would change as much as I have. Parenthood is hard. Besides all the exploding vagina stories and tales of babies screaming through the night, I found there is a quiet and lonely side to becoming a mum or dad. I felt so alone, even though I was surrounded by people. I resented Dave and I wasn’t sure how I felt about this screaming lump of baby that would never nap despite
everyone banging on about how babies sleep most of the day.

Not everyone feels like I did, I envy them. Most mums I have spoken with resonate atย some level to my experience of having a baby. Lets help each other out.

Can we all be honest and cut the social media peddled image of parenthood please? I appreciate people showing the real side of parenting, it makes me feel a little better knowing other people lose their shit too or that I am not a terrible mother if I haven’t taken my baby to swim lessons, sensory classes, music classes, the bloody pyramids or the moon before their first birthday and that I am not damaging their development by lack ofย enthusiasm in any of these activities.

This parenting shit is hard. If you haven’t thought about running away from it all at least once, you’re either in denial, drunk, magical or in that 2 week window of having a new born when you’re like ‘yeah I got this, it’s cool’ – good luck.

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