It’s Wednesday! What better day to share some wisdom! It has nothing to do with the wonderful Wednesday wisdom alliteration.
Wisdom number 1: High Waisted Jeans hide the mum pouch
More specifically, Topshop Jamie high-waisted jeans.
I’m old school, 90-00s kinda old school. I like jeans that are low-cut and reach my ankles. I am also 5′ 2″ with a juicy booty. Therefore jean shopping is not on my list of great ways to spend a day. Shopping for jeans usually goes a bit like this – go to selected shops (there’s a few that don’t cater for short arse legs – I’m looking at you Primark), pick up all the short length jeans I can find, go to changing room, squeeze legs into ‘ulta superdooper painted on skinny jeans’ 3 sizes larger than you are, groan they don’t fit, peel them off, go the next shop and repeat.
For years all I have wanted is a good well fitting pair of jeans, instead I go home in a mood vowing to lose weight. Being far to lazy to change my diet let alone exercise I decided I would embrace my new post child body shape and embrace these bloody jeans all the kids are wearing.
And you know what?! I LOVE LOVE LOVE Topshop’s Jamie high-waisted jeans, so much so I have 4 pairs. The arse pockets are placed well to give me a nice juicy shape in the rear, while the stretchy fabric allows me to eat all the bread I like without cutting off circulation to my legs. Jamie does a very nice job of concealing my little jelly belly, it sucks that bad boy in so I can throw a top over and no one will ever notice I am the owner of a biscuit pot belly.
They are ‘ankle grazers’, can’t have every thing I guess.
Wisdom number 2: Use a T-shirt to dry your hair
I spend far too much time kicking about the internet reading pointless facts instead of doing anything productive. So much so that I get frustrated at Buzzfeed, I refresh it hoping for new content more than I fresh my Facebook feed.
Anyway, I have read on various sites that towel drying your hair is the eighth sin and all your hair will fall out then merge to form a hair demon that will destroy the planet. But I do it anyway. That was until I had a free hair dye in a salon. Afterwards my hair became insanely attracted to me, like some sort of obsessed stalker. It was always in my face, sticking to me, never leaving me alone, the slightest touch and it was stuck to me – sounds a bit like Jess. More annoying than Jess if that’s possible.
A google search for ‘how to reduce static hair’ reiterated the throwing away of hair towels and grab yourself a T-shirt. So I stole David’s T-shirt, I have long hair I need a big T-shirt. Plus his T-shirt his laundry.
It works! It really does! I have been using a T-shirt for the past few weeks and there is no static in my hair. Wowzers! I’m a convert!! I also think the T-shirt method dries the hair quicker too. Other claims of T-shirt drying is it will reduce split ends and improve the over all health of your hair – I’m still out on this one. It’s too soon to tell. I can say that I am very impressed and wonder why I haven’t been doing this for longer *runs fingers through hair while typing and the strands go back to their mates and not my chin.
Wisdom number 3: Wine is not dinner
It’s true, wine really is not a substitute for dinner. You would think at 29 I would have worked this out by now. Between work, picking up Jess, getting her to bed and heading to a friends for a catch up, I didn’t have time for food. Instead I opted to have snacks and wine.
Obviously I had a brilliant night! I ate crispy M&Ms, Dorritos, mini eggs easter cakes (my absolute favourite) and a few Drumstick lollies – my friend does the best snacking spread. This was washed down with half a bottle of wine. Half a bottle. That is all.
Turns out that half a bottle of wine mixed with no substantial food intake equals a hangover that could have easily come from a messy night clubbing then hitting the Casino until 7am before crawling home in a cab.
It was brutal. Headache, dehydrated, stomach cramps, the ‘shakes’, I had a full blown hangover. Faced with having Jess on my own all day I quickly sprang into damage control mode. Tea with sugar, toast with Nutella, paracetamol with caffeine, I knew what needed to be done in order to survive the day. I made it through, it was tough in parts, Jess had more than her months allocation of snacks and biscuits but I made it. I won’t be doing that again….well, not any time soon at least.
As tempting as it may seem do not skip food for wine, you will regret it, deeply.
I’m so wise, I know. I shall be back next Wednesday with more words of wisdom.