*crawls, only slightly, out from her negativity cave, opens laptop and tries to rememberΒ WP login details

I’v not been very active on here for the past week. When I started blogging, just over a month ago, I was all over it. Constantly thinking of blog ideas, writing notes, trawling through millions of blogs. I thoroughly enjoy reading other people’s blogs, even better, I was enjoying chatting via comments. Finally, I had something to think about other than my mental state. I immersed myself in my new found hobby, I’m fine. I’m totally kicking depression right up it’s arse.

Very good. I’m talking utter pish (Scottish for piss/crap/shit/lies).

The original reason I started a blog was to make sense of my mental state. To share, maybe warn, others that life after a kid can be tough. There is nothing to prepare you for it but it’s OK to struggle – I don’t even think it is ‘struggling’. It can’t be struggling if everyone feels that way? Surely it’s just bloody hard and that’s the way it is. Labeling it as struggling just makes people feel like shit about themselves, like they don’t have their life together while the rest of the parenting population do and you are just shit.

I haven’t wrote at any length about my mentalness. But since I’v been feeling depressed lately I guessed now might be a good time to smack the key board and get it out. I’m nae (Scottish for no) in the mood to drum up witty banter, write a funny post about life. I can’t be arsed. My perspective is shot, I’d rather moan and grumble, plead how tired and bleuh I feel. I’m gonna wallow in self pity. I am trying to drag myself out it, Β I love writing funny posts but I just can’t seem to get there right now.

Everything came to a head last week, I really did mean what I wrote inΒ Daily Prompt: Knackered. Depression, for me, is a complicated mix of emotions – partly why I find it hard to write about, worried it will be lost in translation. Frustration and agitation are the biggest players. Pressure builds in me quickly, it can be something as silly as having an untidy house with no time to really give it a good clean. More pressure is added via everyday life, what to cook for dinner, do we have any food to pack for Jessica’s lunch, trying to make time to see David, trying to make time for myself, doing chores, not doing chores, trying to see friends, what clothes will Jess wear tomorrow, do I have clothes?! I could list things that stress me until I pass out. Looking at them, they are all simple, all avoidable but to me they are all triggers, all stressful, all too much.

Last week when I broke down in tears, practically hugging the washing machine, I just kept thinking ‘I can’t cope’ ‘I can’t do this’. Depression makes it extremely hard for me to deal with pressure, which creates frustration. I want to be able to handle life like everyone else – even though I know other people feel exactly, if not worse, the same as I do. But when I am in that depressive frameΒ of mind, I could not give a hoot about how other’s feel. My barriers come up and my attacking army is on red alert. I’m brutal. I let rip into David, moaning I need help around the house, that he need’s to step up to the mark, I attack and attack, growing more defensive with each word he dares to utter back. I don’t have scope for his trouble’s I’m the depression one here! I demand attention! Bow down, tell me I have it tough!

He doesn’t put up with my shit. Not for one second. I need that. I’m feeding my ‘Demon’ and he knows it. He claps back that I need to take a look around, realise how lucky I am, stop playing the victim and sort out my perspective! For once, he is right. It’s far too easy to sink deeper and deeper into a wallowing depressive hole. He’s my rope, he does his best to pull me out. He is forever patient and understanding. I know how lucky I am. At times I don’t see it, times like last week when I contemplate leaving, times when my face is swollen from crying, times when I seriously question what the hell am I doing here!

That’s not me, that’s my depression talking/winning/controlling me. I’m new to this mental health malarkey. It was unauthorized added extra (as was the ripped vagina) I gained having a child. Still, almost 2 years down the line, I struggle from time to time with my mental state. I am extremely lucky to have a strong, supportive, kind and understanding partner. Therapy and medication have helped, but it is ultimately David that I confide in, I look to him for guidance. I need him to put me back in my place, well, it’s not me, it’s my depression that needs putting back into place.

Having such a strong support network around me is great, however it also provides added pressure. The pressure I place on myself to hurry up and ‘get better’, pressure that I should be ‘over’ this, pressure to conceal how I feel – I’m not one to lie or to give in or be patient. It takes it’s toll, then I break and cry like a sobbing nutter in the kitchen trying to summon the strength to make dinner.

I don’t know what I’m looking for or why I am sharing. Guess I can’t write the funny without sharing the other side of the coin. A problem shared is a problem halved eh? Reading other people’s mental health experiences has helped me greatly, so if someone reads this and thinks ‘gosh, I feel the same!’ and then feels a little more ‘normal’ then that can only be a good thing. Lost count of how many times I have read a blog or post or comments since having Jess and thinking I could have wrote that word for word. It takes the alienation away that depression is only to keen to dish out. I’m not alone. I’m not struggling. I will find my way. I will not let myself be consumed with this new part of me.

The more people that share the hard, tough, crying, shouting, frantic, wild, annoying, doubting, lonely, isolating, twisted, just absolutely crazy truth of life the better. I don’t think this post makes much sense, it’s not what I have in my mind, not what I want to say. It’s jumping all over the place, I’m sorry. I can’t write about depression in a linear fashion or explain it correctly. I only hope, if you are dealing with something similar, that it helps you to know that you are not alone, far from it. By the looks of things most people are bloody mental, one way or the other!

*puts laptop down after 2 days of writing, deleting, writing then deleting then going ‘fuck it’ and posting. Crawls back to cave which is slightly less depressive and significantly more sarcastic (if that’s possible), rolls eyes at self and thinks about next blog post

 

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26 thoughts on “Pressure

    1. Thank you. I don’t feel brave, not as brave as others that for sure. I guess they are simple when I am in a good frame of mind, but at times like last week and kinda this week, it’s too much for my mind to deal with. I’m practising the art of chilling out and not worrying if the house is a mess….but then I start to twitch (like Monica in Friends) and I NEED to sort it otherwise my mood takes a nose dive and I’m a horror! Just can’t ‘deal’ with stuff sometimes 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You are so right about sharing. I have been through this and I’ve just started my own blog to tell my story because people don’t talk about it or understand it enough. It’s also so helpful to work through the tangled mess in my head! Stay strong and stay sarcastic xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kat! Don’t worry, there is no danger of me not being sarcastic. Unlike my moods, that never changes.
      I really wish more people were open, about everything really. I know it helped me to read the woes of others! Hopefully I can get more of it out and on the blog 😊

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  2. Man I have a crap load in my mind. I wear everything and just about everyone close to me on my sleeve. I have been told I am an empathist. It sucks!! I worry if I said something wrong. I worry about my worrying. I worry about how my seizures effect my husbands day at work, when he gets a text and knows I had a seizure because of the severly mistyped words. I feel pressure often as it is coming 8 months since I have been able to work. We have need for 2 incomes. My seizures took over. I can’t drive legally for 6 months from having one. So that is 6 months from 3 days ago. I wrecked the very first brand new car to me, Mazda 3 just swapping spots in our driveway so my husband could leave. I had a seizure found myself backed hard into a snow bank, and the coming around the corner almost did not see me. I have pressure to maintain yet barely can. My son just moved up here away from his dad, in hopes for a better life. As I am part of his hurt, and healing there is great pressure I make sure he succeeds. He is severely lacking due to the loss of his parents marriage, both parent being alcoholics. Thankfully I am sober. I just plain worry. If there is something to worry about I will. It does not help Epilepsy either. Stress is a trigger. I am beginning a new business venture at home. It is a sink or swim type deal. Will I sink or swim? We invested money in hopes I can make us money. Worry, pressure, & stess. Many days I break down and cry or get very down. Stuck at home, and it just plain sucks. I am far from a home body! Yet yay, here I be. So I get it. I was a mess when my kids were little. My son said I worried about so much, that has now been made paranoid. Lovely!!! Harsh truth!! So there I share. I am Lisa a weird girl who is 43 and still, and always will be a work on progress. Now I will worry about how many words I missed or typos😱😜

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    1. My partner is an empathist, I must admit I could do with learning to have more empathy, but I understand how it feels. I think it’s a strong trait to have, one I admire. I can’t believe how strong and positive you are considering all that you are and have been faced with. It really is inspiring! Such a strong person!
      Unfortunately, I’m learning worry and stress are a part of life and it’s how we handle it that makes a difference. I hope I can learn and take guidance from people like yourself that say it like it is, sharing is so powerful and and refreshing.
      I’m not a home bady either, I would say being on maternity leave at home contributed massively to my mental state! I could not wait to get back to work. Some people are cut out for it, others can’t handle that kind of crazy!
      Hope you are keeping well, thank you for your support and kindness x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We are more alike than you realize. I am an empathist but oh so needed a way out from my life. I was a frazzled mess. I was a mom with terrible anxiety. I was trapped. I wanted my beauties, but my life just happened. I was getting ready go into the AirForce. Then came love, babies (plural) 22 months a part. I was 24 and already to years married with 2 kids. I looked like a teenager. I am a small girl. So I was always talked about as I walked by. Felt like yelling yeah I got knocked up at 13, whats it to ya. My nerves of few. I have tolerance for little. My kids were taught young respect for all things. Walls were not for coloring, toys were to be kept up, and clean rooms were desired. My daughter was so strong willed it was a killer. She was the thorn in my side. Still is to this day. My son was like a little gummy bear. Sweet as could be. I just has high expectations so my world was always crashing cuz I could barely keep up nor them. My then husband had our lives revolve around him, and his dreams. My life got left behind. We both began drinking at 28. After I found out he lived a dbl life I drank in denial all the more. Than one day I just flipped. No more I could not do life. Any of it. The mom part, the wife part. I was made to look insane. When I really just hurt so bad inside. For I gave my all to a man for 18 years. Never looked another man’s way. He was it. I liked everything he likes. We were intertwined. So unhealthy too. So here I am. Picked myself up after a bad divorce. Got sober!!! Yay!! So….life is hard!! πŸ’—πŸ˜„πŸ’—βœŒ

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! You made me laugh πŸ˜‚ Its like you are having a conversation with yourself here 😊 I have a friend, like yourself, worries about worrying! I guess we all have our ‘thing’. I’m not much usually one to worry, but I do worry I will pass on my crazy to Jess. One of the reasons I feel so pressured! It’s a vicious cycle at the moment 😐

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  3. You’re definitely not alone, and you will find your way. It’s a hard slog through depression (I’m still trying to crawl my way out of it), and some seconds/minutes/hours/days are better than others. Just keep fighting through, and keep sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I will keep at it. I will try share some more, for some reason I find it really hard to write about. Hard to make a coherent post? Guess I’ll just write what comes in my head that day and see how it goes ☺

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  4. I can feel each word you’ve written over there. The triggers are all around and you just burst out at any point of time because it’s all piling up at the back of your head. But it’s the people like us who’re gonna do great things someday. Just don’t give up. All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, that is very kind 😊 the do say geniuses suffer from mental health problems 😁 everything piling up is exactly how I feel some days! Thanks for commenting, take care x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t know what you are talking about. This parenting thing is a breeze. You have an angel that never whines or has a breakdown because you brought the wrong sippy cup. Cue my breakdown because I have the wrong fork. Super easy…. Yeah, about that. It is tough for anyone, even not going through that. I am glad you have support. I love your blog. You are a part of a community now. Don’t forget it. We’ve got your back.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 😊 it’s ridiculously tough being a parent! I’m the only one of my friends that has a baby, sometimes I think I’m losing my mind. My daughter is starting her ‘I want it that way phase’ she drives me crazy most days! We all need to stick together! Can’t let those pesky kids beat us down!!

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    1. Nope, sorry. No such useful information found on my blog πŸ˜€ I struggle with science as it is….even though I earn my keep as a research scientist ha!

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