Why do kids wanna grow up so much?!

Call me cynical, but some things just aren’t the same when you become an ‘adult’ – which I’m pretty sure is the term for people who have more issues than an entire season of Jerry Springer, that make it through each day by winging it (and Googling plenty of supposedly adult knowledge such as how to spell supposidly).

Cynical or not (or maybe I’m just moaning, as I’m pretty darn good at it)I bet you will agree, with at least some of the following. And if you dont, you can jog on – ain’t no one need that much positivity in their lives.

Maybe I should create a whole new section entitled ‘stuff I like to bitch n moan about’.

*Grumble Grumble Grumble*

Swimming

Kid Version

Awesome! Can’t wait to get in the pool. Do some hand stands, maybe a forward roll or two. Then you pretend to be a dolphin or a mermaid, swimming under the water on an adventure.

Adult version

Hooooooold up, swimming, when? Coz I just washed my hair and there’s no way I’m washing it again until at least next Tuesday. Spontaneous swimming is out of the question, I’v been in a relationship for 11 years – I need a least 2 days notice for self maintenance purposes, unless you want to see what a pale skinned Chewbacca looks like in a nautical swim suit. Didnt think so.

Weekends

Kid Version

Yes!! No school! Lie in, early morning TV, fun family activities, staying with friends/relatives, playing outside all day!

Adult Version

Chores. A shit tonne since you couldn’t be arsed during the week.

Wake earlier than during the week coz your toddler is an asshole. You’re more tired than during the week as you stayed up late to binge watch The Blacklist since you ‘don’t have work in the morning’ – idiot. Most weekends consist of thinking what to do with devil child so you don’t feel like a crap parents, so you buy tickets to over priced busy noisy child crap and suffer – i.e soft play.

Awkwardly trying to avoid any and all social invites, coz, well, you just can’t be arsed. I’v had to be social in work all week, I’m all out of socialness until at least Monday – when I’m forced to be social in the form of a salary.

Spring/Summer

Kid version

It’s brilliant! May as well call this holiday season! Nights get longer and warmer, you get to stay outside playing with friends until bedtime. If you are really lucky, your parents may even take you on holiday!

Adult version

Fuck off with the light, Jess thinks it’s morning and its 10pm!!

Are you being serious, you need to cut the garden grass at least twice a month? How fast does this crap grow!! I can’t even look at the hedge, nope can’t deal with that. There goes another weekend to chores.

Getting to watch the (rare) sunny days from inside an office. Excellent.

Birthday cake (or any sweet treat) 

Kid Version

akin to class A drugs, the more the better.

Adult Version

Who the fuck brought a cake to the office?! Get it away. Of course I want a bit, but my waist says no and my dentist agrees.

Snow

Kid Version

Excellent! Mass producing snowballs to pelt at people who walk by, building snowmen, creating snow angels and if you’re very lucky maybe a snow day.

Adult Version

I absolutely hate snow. No I don’t want to build a bloody snowman. I’m in the city, we don’t get snow, we get grey sludge that makes everything filthy. Snow just means an extra 30 minutes commute as people can’t seem to drive when there is any slight extreme in weather – that includes the sun and it’s ‘glare’ (get sunglasses people). Snow day? Doubt it, unless you can prove you have risked life and limb and still couldn’t make it then you will be at your desk.

Christmas

Kid Version 

Presents, sweets, santa! – need I say more?

Adult Version

Buying presents. Debt. Over indulgence. Family gatherings. Panic buying. Wrapping presents. Trying to hide presents until the big day. Working out what to do with all this new crap that will sit in that ‘place’ in the bedroom where everything without a home goes. Most likely it will still be there the following Christmas.

Sick Days

Kid Version

Getting to laze about on the sofa while you parents bring you food and water. You might even get some sympathy treats.

Adult Version

You better be dying or else you are at your desk. Even worse, having to take a sick day to look after your toddler. The toddler that is sick, but not sick enough to not be a high maintenance menace. Be prepared to use every psychic power you possess in your (futile) attempts to appease the beast before they melt into a crying ball of self pity, just because you put on Peppa Pig instead of Paw Patrol.

Birthdays

Kid version

Gift, cake, parties, being the centre of attention. A whole day all about YOU!! You get to turn another year older, which is awesome (ask a kid what age they are and I bet the say something like 9 and 3/4 – mental)

Adult version

Grey hair. One year closer to death. Old age jokes. Societal pressures to be married, have a kid, get a job, sort your life out increases. For every year you are over the age of 21, add an hour to the length of your hangover. That’s right, two day hang-overs are the norm.

I know, I’m being too negative. Life isn’t all doom and gloom when you become an ‘adult’, there are a few perks:

Alcohol, sex and rock and roll

I hardly drink (see above about hangovers), sex gets you pregnant and I hate rock and roll.

Adulting it guff (Scottish for shite).