You know, sometimes you just need a break. For months Dave and I have been fantasizing about taking a holiday, getting some chill time. Dave’s vision is usually of a private villa with Jess paddling away in the pool, my vision is slightly different. There’s still a private villa with pool but maybe not so much Jess. She is still there, but only for an hour or so each day, then the nanny takes Jess away so mummy can lie on her cellulite filled arse buy the pool, catching some sun with the occasional nap thrown in. I’m clearly the more loving and attentive parent…
Anyway. Feeling all tired parent, righteous and deserving, I decided I would have a quick snoop about a hotel or two for Dave and I. It was payday after all. That glorious one day of the month my bank balance actually resembles an account of n adult that has her shit together, before those cretinous direct debits arrive and steal all my money, making me question how many days it is until I next get paid. 4 weeks, it’s always 4 weeks, I really need to sort my life out and adult already!
I knew exactly where I wanted to go and hoped that there would be a sneaky deal available, I don’t do paying full price. To my delight I found a good deal for an over night stay in Cameron House hotel. It’s a lovely 5 star hotel nestled in the beautiful Scottish countryside on the banks of Loch Lomond, just 5 minutes up the road from my less than 5 star house. I booked up the room with breakfast – I’m not gonna lie, I couldn’t wait for the breakfast. It’s dynamite. Bacon, eggs, haggis, black pudding, BEANS, meats, breads, fruits, salmon, pancakes! PANCAKES!! I love love love pancakes, bacon and maple syrup. YESSSS!
I’ve had the delights of the breakfast before, oh yes! I stayed at Cameron House with my bffer last year, the inspiration behind booking it. We sampled the spa on our stay, my bffer is quite the spa connoisseur and was rather impressed with the facilities. I too agreed, however I don’t have much reference for comparison. It doesn’t take much to beat a slightly tepid bubble bath at home. Bffers and I also had room service on our stay, which was a treat for the hotel staff when they opened the room door to find two ‘ladies’ in matching unicorn pyjamas watching TV on a bed rammed full of doughnuts and snacks. They struggled to find a place to set down our tray of food as the tables were also jam packed full of snacks and most likely tampons. Classy ladies, always. I had a brilliant time with my bff lover, so I was pretty excited to treat Dave to the same fun I had – not gonna lie, I did think of taking my bffer over David. She likes rosé wine too. Plus she likes to play mum and make me cups of tea and coffee. But never mind, guess I better take Dave.
Cameron House day arrives! I’m packed, primed and ready to go. And by primed I mean I shaved pretty much every last inch of my body, doing all kinds of contortionist moves to get the hard to reach ‘places’. Christ, I even moisturized, well, my shins at least. I drop off devil child and we are ready to go.
And so it begins….I didn’t eat breakfast, I never do. So bitches got hangry, like super hangry. I must have been super duper hungry due to being so excited! I was being a moody little witch. Huffin and puffin that I needed to stop at the shop before heading to Loch Lomond, mainly as I wanted snacks but also as, guess what? Bitches here got her period. Are you fuckin kiddin me? I must have the most annoying bloody (ha) ovaries ever, they are me but in organ form. Who’s cycle is an absolute mess – 33 days, 45 days, 64 days, 33 days?! There’s no pattern – but then you book a hotel and swim, then BA-BAMN, hiya ovaries! Who does that?! Raging! It’s cool, it’s cool. I can deal with that, no biggy, I’m not going to let it bother me. We aren’t going away for a night of passion, bitch please, that kind of nonsense got me booking over priced hotel rooms in the first place. No thanks. I was more worried about the ‘logistics’ of using the leisure facilities.
Barely speaking to each other, Dave suggests we get some lunch before we head to the hotel. He’s a wise man. He stuffs me full of food and low and behold, my mood picks up and I’m full of the chat, even apologizing for my mood earlier in the morning. Bellies full and back on talking terms we head out to the country. There’s a noticeable difference to when bffer and I came to the hotel, people. Everywhere, mini people, mini mini people. Place is bloody heaving (Scottish for too many people in one area for me to deal with). No worries, that’s cool. No problem. After a slight wait we check in and make use of the pool and steam room. Being well behaved adults, Dave and I practice our balancing in the water techniques. I also practiced my ‘standing on Daves back while he swims’ maneuver, or what you might call ‘trying to drown the guy’. We had fun for an hour or two, even if I didn’t have the courage to go down the twisty slide. I really, REALLY wanted to, but everyone else using it was about 8 or with a kid and I thought it highly inappropriate to snatch a kid and pretend I was their parent just to use the slide.
After a dip in the pool we headed to our room, which is located the opposite end of the world. And not facing the loch. Annnnd a twin instead of a double. I double check my booking to see that I had in fact asked for a double room, I tell Dave and he replies that he can’t be arsed with the hassle. I’m not fussed, I get a whole duvet to myself?! I’m mean, ‘yeah, I guess it’s OK’ – secretly thrilled at the prospect of my own sleeping space!!! Dave goes to use the bathroom. From in the bathroom he starts moaning at me that it’s not funny and let him out. Eh excuse me, my friend, I’m happily sitting on my very own bed eating crispy M&Ms, I have not moved. Next there’s clinking and banging on the door, followed by more moans and eventually a grumpy Dave yelling he’s locking in the bathroom. Locked, in a 5 star hotel bathroom….pahahahaha!! I did try to help him out, but the door was not for moving. I hate calling people but I guessed if I wanted Dave to survive the night (and buy me dinner) I had better call reception. Reluctantly, I pick up the phone and dial reception. The reply on the other side of the phone was ‘oh, ok, I’ll get maintenance up right away’ – I’m giggling by this point, but not loud enough that caged grumpy arse could hear me. He was not impressed. At all. Dave has, erm lets say ‘high’ standards, for everything. So being trapped in a bathroom of an ‘apparent’ 5 star hotel was not boding well. Not at all.
Maintenance turn up and turn the handle – bet you want me to say that worked and Dave was free, don’t you? Well no, it didn’t! The guy proceeds to rip the handle off and tells David to ‘stand back’ as he attempts to kick down the door. I’m sorry Mr Maintenance Man, this is a 5 star hotel, one cannot just simply kick down the door. They did have good quality doors to be fair. The door doesn’t budge, so he gets back to work on the handle. After a few more tinkerings and another few boots to the door it swings open and a dehydrated, disheveled Dave of a man appears. Kidding. He was fine. But clearly NOT impressed with his mini bath-cation.
Reception call and high standard Dave answers. He puts down the phone, telling me we need to move room as there is no spare door handles – I’m laughing again. There’s always drama with David, seriously, always! I almost gave birth to Jess n in the flat, squatting on the sofa before being Dettol wiped in the ‘area’ by paramedics (no thanks to Dave) then carried half naked down 2 flights of stairs into a siren flashing ambulance for a quick drive to the hospital for a ‘spontaneous birth’. Oh, I had to wait in the ambulance with Jess pushing out as Dave went back up the stair as he forgot his wallet (*insert worlds largest eye-roll here). Drama. Everywhere with Dave.
David was not impressed with the hotel. Not one bit. To be fair, they didn’t make and effort to (profusely) apologise for locking one of their guests in a bathroom due to shitty door handles. I wasn’t too impressed either when the room we got moved to was a double!! Eh a double?! Like the one I booked, that you clearly have but didn’t put me in! Never mind, lets just try have a nice dinner……kidding. Dinner was fine. A taaaaaad over priced, but delicious all the same. One cocktail down and we both agreed that was enough! Maybe they free poured or maybe we are boring parents, but man alive it was strong. Mighty tasty though! But no, any more and Party Dave would be out. And ain’t no one need to see a 30 odd man streaking at that time of night. Kidding, that’s only ever happened once and during the day….
We did have a nice stay, more importantly I got to sleep to 9am! I would have slept longer, but the lure of bacon and maple syrup pancakes was far too strong. I would go back purely for the breakfast. You can have pancakes then got stuff your face with the hot buffet, beans! Unlimited beans!!….I haven’t told you about my unhealthy love for beans have I?
Maybe next time I’ll take the bffer, it might be safer, much less drama to be had. And I’m pretty sure on our visit we got an upgraded room for free. I remember her asking about paying to get a loch view room and me replying in my typical moody faced cow way something about living in Scotland, so I know what a bloody loch looks like so why would I pay to see it!! But then the room we got was loch facing and equipped with all sorts of fancy dancy stuff, and with a beautiful serene view of the loch. Poor Dave didn’t get any of that, the room was still nice, but, erm not Bose speakers and Loch view nice.
Sorry Dave, maybe next time. Well, next next time, coz I’m going with bffer next time!