I’m being terrorized by a toddler

Jessica has a new favourite word : Nope.

To be fair, it’s much better than the other word she was sporting for a while, you know the one, ducks less friendly cousin with the F. Yeah that one. She was ducking about the place for a week or so, dropping the F bomb at random times, usually in front of the grandparents. It’s not the worst thing a kid could be doing I guess, but still, automatically your reaction is to scold the wee horror so she never says it again. But that would make me a hypocrite and we can’t be having that. Plus, if you tell devil child to stop something, she will usually do it more. I think this is why ‘nope’ is her new go to word. It’s so frustrating.

She’s been spitting it out all weekend, it’s annoying but also very funny. She mastered the ‘no’ word a long time ago, so I think she is using the word ‘nope’ to add a little something extra to her reply. Cheek, sarcasm, attitude? Who knows, probably a mix of all three. She is the funniest person I have ever met and also the most cheeky and strong willed.

Sitting in the car on Friday evening, after picking her up and driving home, I said (like I always do):

Me: Ok me lady, that’s us home. Let’s go inside

Jessica replied: Nope

Mmmmm. She didn’t flinch, I don’t think she even blinked. She was completely dead pan ‘nope’.

Me:  why not?

J: ‘Why not?’

She’s mocking me and she know’s it. Whatever, I’m not going to rise to it.

Me: You wanna go in and get ready for bed?

J: Nope

Me: Cool. So, you sleeping in the car tonight then?

J: nope

Me: you wanna come inside?

J: Nope.

Me: do you just say nope all the time?

J: Nope

Me: Ok cool, are we best buddies?

J: Nope

Me: do you love me? I love you.

J: Nope

Me: doooooo you love daddy?

J: Nope

Me: dooooo you love granda?

J: Nope

All the while her facial expression never changes. I go through a large list of potential love candidates, picking out a few people I thought would make her crumble. She gave the same reply – nope.

Me: Doooo you love auntie J?

J: J……nope

Me: Dooooo you love uncle M?

J: M! M. M?………….

Me:……………………

J:…………nope.

Little shite.

Me: Ok, that’s fine. I’m going in now, are you coming with me?

J: Nope

Me: cool so you staying here? All night? In the car?

J: car.

Me: Ok, you do that. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye. Love you.

J: Bye.

She’s bluffing! No way does she want to sleep in the car! And no way will I let her win this standoff.

I get out the car and give her a wave. Knew it! Here come the tears. Don’t try to play mind games with me child! I am the master, the creator of such games!!

I  walked round and let the little drama student out her seat. I did tell her I was kidding and I would never leave her in the car alone….. she doesn’t know I have a good poker face.

This lassie is trying to psyche me out!! How can a 22 month old have so much attitude and sass?

It gets worse.

As of last weekend we are potty training her. She’s doing well and understands what we are saying. She understands it a little too much. She’s using her wise mind to fool me, make me want to pull out my hair and suffocate myself with it. I ask ‘you need a pee?’ she replies ‘nope’. The usual toddler crap. She starts doing a twisted leg dance, so I ask again. This time she replies ‘noooooope’ while pushing her chin out and making wide eyes! Oft, I am sooooo sorry Jess! Sorry to inconvenience your life! Cheeky wee madam.

Then she wanders through and uses the potty! WHIT?! (Scottish for ‘what’ when you just can’t believe what you are seeing and trying your best to hold your shit together) Why are you playing potty mind games you absolute nutter!

I don’t know if I’m coming or going with this child. Going. Going fucking mental.

This morning, sitting in the car with her ‘big girl’ pants on, she starts telling me pee pee, poo! While placing her hands on her legs. I look back and ask ‘ do you need a pee?’ – bare in mind she had just done one (which means nothing I guess, toddlers pee A LOT) but she hadn’t pooped yet. She then says ‘farted’ – this makes me giggle, I love a little toilet humour. Obviously I’m thinkning this child is about to poop and piss all over my car! I look back again and say ‘ hold on, don’t pee in the car, we will be at grans soon’.

Do you know what she did?

She laughed. At me. She was playing a prank. She scrunched up her little punk of a face and said’ no pee pee, no poo poo’. she’s at it! Playing on my fears, feeding off the terror in my voice.

I’m telling you, there’s a new level of anxiety and that’s a toddler flying nappy free. And I think my toddler knows it. I can’t believe she actually taunts me! Jess gave out a half laugh and uttered ‘pee pee’. She was staring the whole joke over again! I don’t know if she’s peed or not! Wee bampot! (Scottish for a pain in the arse or a trouble maker, either of which fits Jess perfectly).

I think we have created a monster. She’s always been a cheeky little lady, but now I fear she has moved up a notch on the auld ‘ lets terrorise my parents’ game.

It’s not funny. I take pooping in the car VERY seriously. She can sense my fear. I wouldn’t be surprise if she hold’s her ‘poop’ in all day just to play the prank again, or worse follow through on her joke on the drive home tonight.

I wouldn’t put it past her.

How is a toddler able to tease me so much? She’s a wee witch!

Have a baby they said, it will be fun they said.

 

 

Advertisement