I don’t know, ‘strange things are happening to me’ (that’s right! That is from Toy story, do you know why? Because I’ve watched it more times this month than I have since its release). More and more these days I find I’m doing something, I pause and think ‘why don’t I find this weird?’ ‘how long have I been doing this?’ ‘This isn’t right?’. I don’t know if it’s age or the devil child or depression or a mix of everything, but something’s no right.
I’m going to write a post about poo, Jessica’s poo, because, well, this is exactly what I’m talking about, I’m
weirdly proud of Jessica’s poop session last night.
If you can stomach it read on. The post obviously discusses poo, not in as much detail as I would like, you are welcome for that. But enough detail for me to imagine readers thinking ‘is she actually writing about her kid doing a shit?’ Yes, yes I am. Hashtag not even sorry.
Last night David called on his way home, we exchanged the usual hello, how are you and moved on to more important business. More important business like informing him of Jessica’s bowel movements. Inform isn’t the right word. Basically, I had a life changing moment with Jess. I couldn’t wait to passionately share the news with David!
Jess is potty training at the moment, she stopped playing with her toys and ran to the potty holding the vagjoynoi (you need to extend the ‘noi‘ part, vagjoynoooooooiii for maximum effect) area, shouting pee pee and leaving little dots of pee in her wake. She sits on the potty to do her business, legs wide open as she likes to watch the show. I squat down beside her, you know, to spur her on. It’s then that it happens, the pivotal moment.
I watched another human do a poo.
Look, of course I have seen her poop when she was a tiny baby, heck I even watched her poop on the rug, but this is different. This is a tiny, talking, human pooing in front of me, sharing a moment that so many of us like to keep private (not every one, you know who are you…). It was mesmerizing. You know you shouldn’t look, definitely shouldn’t lower your head to get closer to the action, but well, I did. I’m weirded out to admit that it didn’t horrify me, should it? I was too busy congratulating Jess, getting more engrossed in the show as it developed.
I’v never seen it before, I don’t know what I was expecting. It came out like a Mr Whippy ice cream, spiralling round the potty, complete with a perfectly formed peak once Jess stood up. Amazing. Bloody hell, I almost got Snapchat out to share this masterpiece. I didn’t. I really, really wanted to take a picture – what the fuck, BTW? Actually no, if you have never been proud of a poop then you are a liar! We have all done one and thought ‘I’m telling everyone about that one, what a beauty!’. And this one was a beauty. It was exactly like the poop emoji, slightly lighter in colour, but exactly the same. What a perfect poop, my daughter is so amazing she even does awesome shits. Hashtag mum hashtag my kid is better than yours (hashtag I know I can use # but I like to say ‘hashtag’ coz hashtag rebel).
Jess stands up and I kid you not, I put my arm round her tiny shoulder and we both stood (she stood, I squatted) in awe staring at this poo, for a good 30 seconds (which is the equivalent to an hour in a toddler universe). Amazing. She then utters the words ‘bye poo’ and begins to pick up the potty, it’s time for poo poo bye bye. Quickly I stop her, I’m not ready to leave the poo just yet. Kiddin. I need to wipe her arse. I get her over my knee, which Jess thinks is the place to practice frog squats or some shit. She’s basically dangling from me, I ask her to put her feet down but she sits on the floor and that’s no good for wiping shitty bums. Eventually I get her, cheeks spread, wiping away. With more excitement than I should really admit, I stand her up and gleefully say ‘Jess!! You’ve aced it!’. An ace poop is one of those times that you do the deed, go to wipe and there is no wiping required – ace!
Jess had no idea, in the slightest why I’m so excited. But she joins in the celebration anyway, we both give it big ‘Woooohoooooos!’ and ‘gooooood girl, well done hunny’ and slide the poop into the toilet pan. Which it clings to, for dear life. It didn’t budge after a flush, it just slowly slid down into the water. Even that was something else. Then it was gone. Gone but never forgotten. I was sad to see it go, but I knew I must…if I don’t want to look like even more of a complete weirdo than I already do.
What an experience. Perfect ace poop! What a child. Such a proud, proud mother!
That’s right! I felt so compelled by Jessica’s poop that I: A. told David as soon as I could and B. wrote a, coming up for 1000 word, post about it. I’m not even ashamed, I’m her mum. It’s my job to be excited over shit. Judge me all you want, but you just read a 1000 word post about another person’s poop. Who’s the real weirdo here?
***I do have pictures of the poo, contact me to see them***
***I’m, obviously joking…***