Lady Secrets

Come close, I’m going to tell you a secret. Actually, I’m going to tell you more than one secret so get comfortable (here on my leg).

These are women secrets (said in a seductive, husky voice). Things that (you think would be pretty obvious and men would do already,  but here we are) you can do for your partner to really make her feel loved, appreciated, respected and the center of your world. AKA all the shit a man can do to stop his partner from having the biannual mental eruption of ‘Why are you asking ME whats for dinner when you are in the kitchen?! Are you kidding me? Must I do everything?! I’m out of here, this is bullshit, you do fuck all around here! Fuck you, arsehole!’ – My friend told me she said that once, it wasn’t me.

Being mental, a women (female at least) and in a relationship I have insider knowledge on how to appease the beast in your life. I want to share some secrets that might tickle her fancy, but not that kind of fancy. I’m thinking if you need help in that department you can Google appropriate ‘videos’. Or I’m sure there will be a blog filled with 7s (like Monica in Friends) for her pleasure.

I’m going to share some secrets that might just make your woman fill up with love and make her go ‘dawww’, that she will want to share with her buddies. The same way parents boast about kids, women boast about their man. On occasion. Usually we are slating them rotten via whatsapp to our BFFer – that’s a bonus secret for you.

Let me just say that I hate sexist nonsense, but sometimes the stereotypes just fit. Men are clueless and woman are mental. I can only speak from a heterosexual experience here but I’m pretty sure these ‘secrets’ can be applied to all humans of all sexual orientations.

Also, I should point out that these ‘secrets’ are not likely to get you your ‘bow chicka wow wow’. Well, they might, if you use enough of them I guess. Probably not. I’ll give them Chicka points anyway, if you collect enough you might be lucky enough to obtain the illusive, rare event of girl on top, but really, don’t bank on it. And if you are only using secrets to get your end away, then I’m dreadfully sorry to tell you that your woman already knows what you’re thinking and you’re on to plums mate (Scottish for nothing. Is it Scottish or is that just something my dad says?).

Lady Secret Number 1

Call her, out of the blue, to tell her you just wanted to hear her voice. That you miss her despite seeing her this morning and that you can’t wait to come home and snuggle up together.

Telling you, a call out of the blue hearing nice things about yourself, well that shit makes women feel all kinds of special. Only if you pass the initial, what have you done test. Which is actually a pretty darn hard test to pass, considering no matter what the man says us ladies still sniff suspicion….and dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.

Chicka Points: 3/5

Lady Secret Number 2

Let her know that you left the house in a shit tip as you were running late, but you WILL clean it later and you didn’t leave it for her to do when she arrives home from work before you.

This is more damage control if I’m honest. It will save her from losing her mind when she gets home and sees you did sweet F A that you maybe should have done. Although, keep in mind that you can’t just call her everyday, I won’t be help responsible for her actions if you continue to be a lazy bugger. How hard is it to take your dirty washing to the washing pile?! The official washing pile, before you clap back with any smart suggestions that it is in a washing pile.

Chicka Points: 2/5

Lady Secret number 3

Don’t say out right that you appreciate her (and everything she does – lets be honest) outright. No. Be a smooth bugger and tell her something more personal, something that will have her thinking ‘Wow. That was nice!’. Maybe tell her not to cook dinner tonight, tell her you will pick something up. She should go home and relax as she made dinner last night. Tell her she does a lot and that tonight she should relax while you take care of the food.

This is a pretty good secret, if I’m honest. 1- you’re acknowledging she busts her gut for you 2. You are saying thank you for it and 3. You are taking some stress from her shoulders

Chicka Points: 4/5

Lady Secret Number 4

Just (fucking) do it. Don’t ask questions. Don’t wait to be told, asked, reminded. Just go put the fucking wash on. Just go clean the kitchen. Just dust the living-room. I’m telling you, coming home to a clean house- one that you never (repeatedly) asked to be cleaned will bring her to tears. Tears of disbelief, maybe, but tears none the less. If shes away on business or just out for the day, give the place a going over. BEFORE you turn the XBOX on. Don’t do the whole ‘Oh, I was going to do it after I sniper shot 25 million (insert whatever the fuck baddies it is here)’. No. Otherwise she will be in court room soon saying ‘Oh I was going to clean up his blood after I watched Keeping up with the Kardashians’. Go clean, now.

Chicka Points: 5/5 – still doesn’t mean she’s going to jump your bones though.

Secret Number 5

Similar to number 4, is take charge. You know late at night when you can’t sleep, you have those fantasies, for many men it might be becoming a footballing hero, scoring the winning goal in the world cup. For women? We fantasize about asking our partner where the kids nappies are, what should we dress her in, where are our keys, did you call the garage yet, did you call the doctor yet, at what time did I say I was meeting my mum at?

We don’t want to be the manager of life! So stop bloody asking us questions and deal with your shit. I’m telling you if I could make it through a whole week, nae, a whole day without being asked a question that has little to do with me and more to do with the kid or our plans for the day, I would be beside myself. I would let David watch all the Sky sports news in the world, eating pickles right from the jar, while I dance like one of those strippers in GTA5? Is it that one? I dinna mind. But you get my drift, it would make a lady very happy indeed.

Chicka Points: 55555/5

Well, that quickly escalated into more of a man bash didn’t it.

It is what is it. I’m fully expecting man abuse for this, but come on now, ya’ll know I’m only telling the truth. I’m not blaming you, not at all, simply offering well meaning advice when it’s needed. Also known as dropping massive passive aggressive hints so that you can have a happier and healthier relationship.

You are very welcome, no need to thank me. Just go pick up those fucking boots that have been in the same annoying spot for the last month. And stop leaving stuff at your arse.

Xx