I was watching John Wick the other day, I had seen it previously, a few years ago I think. I enjoyed it the first time, so when David suggested we watch it while we stuff our face full of take away, well, I was delighted. I was more than happy to watch a ‘man’ film with ‘men’ being men, blowing things up, shooting guns with great ease and awesome accuracy. I love a good macho macho (man) film.

As I was watching it, I had the normal ‘almost an adult’ thoughts, you know, the ‘I wonder how much that house cost?’ or ‘they obviously don’t have children with all that minimalistic white furniture’ or ‘she owns a lot of Jo Malone perfume (or is it cologne?), wonder what she does for a living?’. For a while now, when I’m watching films or TV shows, I’m thinking of the everyday practicalities these people live in – have you seen Fortitude? They guy that lives in a house with massive glass window panes in all directions? Does he not sit around in the buff, scratching his regions, picking his nose and flicking through the naked lady channels? Has he no shame that everyone can see him? But something new happened when I was watching John Wick the second time around. This time I learned a life lesson, and that lesson is ‘don’t raise your children to be arseholes!’.

If you haven’t seen he film and don’t want me to ruin it for you then may I suggest that you beat it, don’t read on as I might just divulge spoilers.

What I gathered from the whole film, is that none of it would have happened if the main protagonist (is that the right word to use, I’m using it) wasn’t such a little shit. Tarasov, the little shit, is an obnoxious, spoiled, pain in the arse that needs a good boot up the rear end. He decides to act like a spoilt (I’m thinking this is a British word?) wee brat and exert his (daddies) muscle by nicking John Wicks car (to be fair, its a belter of a car and I would do the same…I mean, save up for a long time and purchase one myself) and killing, KILLING Wick’s new, cute, adorable, lovable, innocent puppy. Now, there’s more to the story than that, but it leads to Wick losing his shit and making it his mission to exact revenge on this little arsehole.

Smart arse Tarasov gets a right skelp (Scottish for hit) round the ear from his father, Daddy Tarasov, when he finds out what his ridiculous chump of a child has done. Daddy T knows Wick well, for good bad ass assassin reasons, so he sets about protecting his stupid son. It’s here that it clicked with me. I’m not down with ‘ an eye for an eye’, but I felt like I could make an exception here. I kept imagining Daddy T thinking to himself ‘ what a little arsehole of a child! Look at the bloody mess we are in!!‘. I wondered if he thought ‘I knew he would amount to this, maybe if I didn’t raise him as such a spoilt brat this wouldn’t have happened.’ Or maybe Daddy T thought that he should let his son reap what he had sown and let Uncle Wick teach him a lesson or two, I know that’s precisely the thought I had while watching the drama unfold.

To give Daddy T his due, he instantly steps up to the challenge of protecting his twat of a son, even though he knows it’s completely, insanely futile. What any parent would do, right? Well, yes, of course I would protect my child, but c’mon man!Β Tarasov was a spoilt little shit, hiding behind his father’s wealth and notoriety, acting like some of kind of big man that kills puppies.

I found myself fighting an internal battle. Firstly I’m a firm believer in ‘be nice, don’t be a dick’ to people/animals. The actions of Tarasov are inexcusable! A great bit part of me, wanted him to be beat within an inch of his life, give him a right doing (Scottish for a beating) for his actions. Teach him a lesson he obviously missed while growing up. If I was his father I would feed him to the dogs!

But would I? Would I kick Jess out the door and make her pay for her actions? With big Wick on her case? Of course I wouldn’t. I would be on the front line defending my child, Wick is no match for my attitude and rage when it comes to anyone dissing my lovely daughter (same applies to parenting advice). I wouldn’t fear Wick, I would fear my anger towards my arsehole of a child. What kind of savage kills a man’s dog and steals his beautiful car, while causing copious amounts of destruction to his nicely furnished flat?! A monster that’s who! I’d end up killing Jess for acting like that! I’d beat Wick to it.

Obbbbbvvvioulsy MY child will never amount to such horrible and selfish acts. Not a bloody chance (ohhh I shouldn’t tempt fate, what if I read this in 10 years time and Jess is the next Trump?!).

I see mini Tarasov’s everywhere I go. Little horror children, stomping and thrashing their way about life, stealing from others for their own nasty, egotistical ways. Bet you think I’m mental, I’m being harsh. Well, my friend, you take yourself down to the nearest soft play. Sit yourself in the belly of the beast and you watch these ‘darling’ little children interact with each other. I saw a child, around 8-10 years old, push a younger child out his way so he could climb the stairs faster. Who does that?!?! Mini Tarasov’s that’s who. Then I watched as a little girl took balls from Jess in the ball pit. IN THE BALL PIT! She was literally covered, surrounded by balls (Insert wildly inappropriate adult joke about being surrounded by balls here) but she insisted on scowling at my child and removing any ball she touched right from her hands and throwing it. Luckily Jess didn’t mind, in fact she kinda liked it and thought it was a fun game, however I could see the malice, I could see the Tarasov in that child.

I blame the parents.

Now, I know every child is different and each are born with a different personality or some people are born with conditions that cause issues with social interactions, but naw. These children are arseholes, created by the parents. Mini Tarasovs that are out to cause trouble for no other reason that their own personal pleasure. You might think likening stealing a ball or pushing a child to murdering, beating and theft is a pretty tall order but I think you are naive and should be the first to watch John Wick. I’m telling you, along side sex ed in schools they should show ‘how not to raise an arsehole’. Heck, it should be a mandatory class once you are expecting a child. Never mind all that aqua pish and breathing techniques, that stuff is temporary and easy (ha! I’m in the blissful ‘birth was a breeze’ phase of broody). Arsehole children are forever!

So, do the world a favour, go watch the film. Take a good long look at your own moral compass, then look at your children or think about your future children. If you don’t think Tarasov is the absolute worst in human nature (might be a bit harsh, but roll with it) then do us a favour and keep your genitals away from the opposite genitals. We don’t need anymore arseholes in the world, they are plenty out there already thanks.

And if you go to the soft play and your child irritates me in anyway I WILL growl at them and mouth ‘ARSEHOLE’ directly in their face. You only have yourself to blame really.

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5 thoughts on “Parenting class 101: John wick

  1. There’s always one child at the mommy group who wants everything every other child has, and he’s willing to hit, kick or bite to get it. That’s crappy parenting. That behavior should have been stopped at home before it ever saw the light of (public) day. Parent and child need a boot to the butt. Mini Tarasov indeed! (I love John Wick, BTW.)

    Liked by 1 person

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