Did I ever tell you about that time I fell an absolute belter (Scottish for spectacular)?
I never fall, I have lived my whole life in fear of falling, not because I could injure myself, no, I’m hard as nails me. I live in fear of falling as someone might see me, how mortifying?! I was the kid that hung on for dear life to fences and railings in the winter when Mr Jack Frost had coated the entire place, there was no way I was about to deck it (Scottish for fall) in front of a bunch of people, ruthless teenage kids no less. Watching other dare devil kids walking on the ice and ultimately falling, struggling to regain their posture on the slippy, slidey ice was not a sport I wanted to ever take part in. Sure I laughed along with the other kids, calling the poor ice victim a dafty, mocking them for the rest of the school year, but inside I was secretly thankful the ice monsters got them and not me! I fake laughed to distract the other kids while I increased my iron grip of anything close by, including long grass. My walk to school on the ice was slow, nae, a slow shuffle, think of a geriatric old man, shuffling his way to the bathroom at the speed of an ill snail. That was me. I would not be taken down! Continue reading “My fall from grace…or the curb”
Continuing with the 4 month long run up to my big 3-0 celebrations (previous 30 things), I have complied a list of 30 things that should be known to expectant parents. Maybe there should be some kind of disclosure agreement or something new expectant parents should sign before the big day, in fact these points should be make known to couples even thinking about conceiving a child! It’s all fun and games till the baby pops out, then the real hardshi(t)p begins! Continue reading “30 Things…..that should be made EXPLICITLY clear when having a child”
I have, after over a decade of having a shushmenstrual cycle come to the realisation that woman are just walking baby ovens. Huge, hormonal, sex mad, walking incubators of reproduction. Society would have us think that it’s the men that are the primitive, instinct driven, wilder beast, pouncing at the first sign of flesh. I’m not sure that is entirely true. I’m not suggesting us lady folk are forever on heat, sniffing out the prime willies – Christ on a stick no – I think woman (females, pick the appropriate term please) are unstable beings ruled by their reproductive organs.
Continue reading “Women – You are Dirty Beasts”
It’s almost time. Time for me to enter a new decade. Time for me to turn 30.
I’m not all too fussed about it, age is but a number right? Maybe, look, I don’t want to give the big 3-0 bad press, but it’s awfully suspicious that the closer it gets the more I notice things. A change in things, new things, getting old things.
In celebration of me….and having serious bloggers block, I’m going to compile series of ’30 things……’ starting off with 30 changes I have noticed as I edge closer to my big 30 day – my birthday isn’t for another 4 months, can you tell I’m struggling to blog at the moment?
Continue reading “30 Things…..Changes”
This is a post for all the men out there.
Come close, I’m going to tell you a secret. Actually, I’m going to tell you more than one secret so get comfortable
(here on my leg).
These are women secrets (said in a seductive, husky voice). Things that (you think would be pretty obvious and men would do already, but here we are) you can do for your partner to really make her feel loved, appreciated, respected and the center of your world. AKA all the shit a man can do to stop his partner from having the biannual mental eruption of ‘Why are you asking ME whats for dinner when you are in the kitchen?! Are you kidding me? Must I do everything?! I’m out of here, this is bullshit, you do fuck all around here! Fuck you, arsehole!’ – My friend told me she said that once, it wasn’t me.
Continue reading “Lady Secrets”