I offer thee a Period Pack. May it improve your hormonal state and my life expectancy.

Period Pack: An offering to the female of the species at her most volatile time. Period packs are, usually, gifted by the male to subdue the females aggressive, emotional and unstable behaviour at the onset of menses. Well received packs typically contain chocolate, puddings, cake, wine and/or relaxation aids such as bath bombs.

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Women – You are Dirty Beasts

I have, after over a decade of having a shushmenstrual cycle come to the realisation that woman are just walking baby ovens. Huge, hormonal, sex mad, walking incubators of reproduction. Society would have us think that it’s the men that are the primitive, instinct driven, wilder beast, pouncing at the first sign of flesh. I’m not sure that is entirely true. I’m not suggesting us lady folk are forever on heat, sniffing out the prime willies – Christ on a stick no – I think woman (females, pick the appropriate term please) are unstable beings ruled by their reproductive organs.

Romance on the Lomond shores, just not for us

You know, sometimes you just need a break. For months Dave and I have been fantasizing about taking a holiday, getting some chill time. Dave’s vision is usually of a private villa with Jess paddling away in the pool, my vision is slightly different. There’s still a private villa with pool but maybe not so much Jess. She is still there, but only for an hour or so each day, then the nanny takes Jess away so mummy can lie on her cellulite filled arse buy the pool, catching some sun with the occasional nap thrown in. I’m clearly the more loving and attentive parent…