Sometimes I would like to say I’m sorry. To my partner. To my friends. But depression has a way of stifling, silencing my words, unable to be pronounced, never mind explained. Sometimes my actions, speak louder than words, but that voice is false and If I could use my words, I would explain to you why.
Sometimes you see me snap at nothing. If I could use my words I would tell you I snap in frustration, exhaustion and self-protection. I snap because I’m reaching my limit and I cannot have more pressure added. I’d tell you there is turmoil in my mind, over doing what I want and what I feel like I should be doing. I’d tell you my depression winds me so tight, and so highly strung that asking for something outside my normal schedule creates an unjustified amount of stress. I’d tell you that I just want space, but feel wrong or guilty in doing so. I’d tell you being around people can leave me drained. Continue reading “The one where depression tries to silence you”
I want to believe I am the best thing since sliced bread.
I want to believe every heart felt word or encouragement from my partner’s mouth.
I want to believe I am the best mum for my daughter.
I want to believe what my daughter so freely shows, that I am her idol.
I want to believe I am the mum that she sees.
But I don’t believe it. I know me better than that and I believe I am toxic to my child.
Isn’t that fucked up? Continue reading “I want to believe”
It this the end of my depression?
Guess who’s back, back again, Kirsty’s back, tell a friend.
This is quite a bizarre feeling, I didn’t even realise it until a few weeks ago, but I feel ‘fine’. Not sure if ‘fine’ cuts it, I feel ‘great’ – Tony the tiger great.
For someone diagnosed with depression, who monitored her every feeling for fear falling back into the ‘darkness’ I sure did miss the turning point in my mental health, much like failing to see the dark path into depression. But I think, think, there’s light ahead, I’m pretty sure I see a flicker of hope and normality, in the not too far future. Continue reading “Depression – soon you might be an old friend.”
Become Self Aware to improve Self Care
^^ I’m copywriting that stroke of literacy genius up there^^
I never thought I would see the day that I, HonestK (that’s my name, check my birth certificate if you like), would not only have huge interest in self care, but that I would actually be writing a post about it. As I have mentioned previously in ‘Bitches be crazy’, I thought I was pretty immune to the mumbo jumbo nonsense that is mental health and self care, tainting it with the perception that it was all a bunch of crazy, for crystal swinging, essential oil sniffing, bendy yoga loving, incense burning nutters.
Well, it’s not. Continue reading “Self Care – Awareness”
You can’t fight the beast.
Only I can fight the beast.
I don’t hate the beast. I hate that it can take hold of me, for hours, days, weeks. I hate the power it possesses. I hate the brutality of my tongue when the beast gets hold of it. I hate that at a drop of a hat, it will end my long term relationship with my partner, with absolutely no regard for anyone’s feelings.
I feel like I have been to a funeral, you know? That drained, tired, deflated feeling you get from being so upset. That’s me, but I missed the funeral, at least at a funeral I get to crack a joke or two to ‘lighten’ the mood. I’m nothing if not inappropriate.
Continue reading “Beauty and the Beast”