30 Things…..that should be made EXPLICITLY clear when having a child

Continuing with the 4 month long run up to my big 3-0 celebrations (previous 30 things), I have complied a list of 30 things that should be known to expectant parents. Maybe there should be some kind of disclosure agreement or something new expectant parents should sign before the big day, in fact these points should be make known to couples even thinking about conceiving a child! It’s all fun and games till the baby pops out, then the real hardshi(t)p begins!

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A Spontaneous Birth – is that a thing?

It’s almost the anniversary, the ‘sayonara vagina’ anniversary, otherwise known as Jessica’s’ birthday.

At this time of year, I always find myself drifting back two years, reminiscing about the day that changed my life forever, well more like days that changed my life. This time last year I was full of tears at the thought of monster child turning one, I was very much full of hormones, depression and love. The second time around, I’m still batshit crazy, but slightly less hormonal, kinda, maybe, slightly, and more ‘d’aww, my little baby is growing up.’ I’m thinking all my pregnancy, birth and feeding hormones have evaporated – my boobs are testament to that – gutted. I’m in that denial kinda phase of child birth, I only have good memories, it wasn’t so bad.

I can’t get no sleep

I’m going to moan, I’m going to get it out. I just want to sleep. That’s all, sleeeeeep.

I want to sleep for more than 8 hours, for one night. No. I take that back, I want to sleep over 8 hours, every night, for a week. I want to go to bed not because I really should, but because I want to. I want to wake when I feel like it. Not because Jess is shouting Mummay Mummmmmmay Muuuuuuummmmay, forcing me to move from my warm, cozy bed.

I just want sleep. I do.

Things will never be the same again

Settle down and let me list you some of the ways in which parenthood has changed me. This is not an exhaustive list, if I done that you would be exhausted reading and I would be exhausted typing and getting myself whipped up into some form of wild soap box feminist ‘lets all unite’ frenzy, ain’t no need for that kind of behaviour on a calm afternoon.