Lost in Planet Parent. I miss the old me.

I had the best weekend recently. I got the luxury of a date night with my main man, we (I, it’s always I) purchased tickets to a club to stomp along to a favourite DJ of ours, dropping some banging tunes – we still say stomp, drop and banging right? Months ago I bought the tickets and dreamed of our date night. Devil child was adopted for the night by her best friend auntie (She’s MY best friend) and ‘best snuggle giver’ uncle, while mum and dad shoveled drink down their throat, just to get over pre-night out jitters – it’s been a while, I tend to get a little antsy before going out these days. I’m out of practice.

Pumped full of Sailor Jerrys off we went into the night. Until, wait for it…..4am! Say what?! Parents out till 4am, what stop outs…what fools. But don’t worry, the babysitters assured me a late child pick up the following day was acceptable. In fact it was pretty much welcomed, best friend auntie and uncle had the ‘whole day planned’ Elf style. Baking, crafts, playing, cooking, the whole lot, in one day, with a toddler – who’s the fool now?

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I will do anything for love, but I won’t share that!

I’ll share many things with my partner. We share life, the usual stuff, sharing a bed, sharing raising a child, sharing chores (unevenly), sharing the occasional breakdown when you just can’t take anymore of being an adult, sharing the burden of people constantly questioning our relationship status – ‘are you getting married?’, we share the eye rolls, the moans, the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m talking the real ugly, the shiting on the bed having a baby ugly. To be fair, I don’t remember doing it, so did it really happen?

I want to believe

I want to believe I am the best thing since sliced bread.

I want to believe every heart felt word or encouragement from my partner’s mouth.

I want to believe I am the best mum for my daughter.

I want to believe what my daughter so freely shows, that I am her idol.

I want to believe I am the mum that she sees.

But I don’t believe it. I know me better than that and I believe I am toxic to my child.

Isn’t that fucked up?

Depression – soon you might be an old friend.

Guess who’s back, back again, Kirsty’s back, tell a friend.

This is quite a bizarre feeling, I didn’t even realise it until a few weeks ago, but I feel ‘fine’. Not sure if ‘fine’ cuts it, I feel ‘great’ – Tony the tiger great.

For someone diagnosed with depression, who monitored her every feeling for fear falling back into the ‘darkness’ I sure did miss the turning point in my mental health, much like failing to see the dark path into depression. But I think, think, there’s light ahead, I’m pretty sure I see a flicker of hope and normality, in the not too far future. 

Beauty and the Beast

I feel like I have been to a funeral, you know? That drained, tired, deflated feeling you get from being so upset. That’s me, but I missed the funeral, at least at a funeral I get to crack a joke or two to ‘lighten’ the mood. I’m nothing if not inappropriate.