The Jess Song

I wrote a song for Jess, in no way shape or form is it inspired or a rip off of John Legend’s ‘All of me’ ….okay, it is. Just think yourself lucky I didn’t record me singing it! I recon I’m a good 1000 blogs away from becoming YouTube confident. Can you imagine the amount of bleeps I would need to add to cover my language?! Jesus, no. I’d need an 18 rating!

It’s best you have the tune of ‘All of me’ in your head before you read my ‘song’ – which I’m going to title….mmm, thinking….yup, ‘All of Jess’. Oft, telling you, if I don’t start winning award’s for my strokes of genius soon, well, there’s going to be a global outcry!

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30 Things… you will want to teach your toddler immediately.

Continuing with the long run up to my big 3-0 celebrations (previous 30 things), I have complied a list of 30 things you will want to teach your toddler immediately.

I may not have won any patenting awards just yet, but listen, toddlers are grade A tormentors and if you want your life to be as easy as possible, then there a few pivotal things you must teach them…

My fall from grace…or the curb

Did I ever tell you about that time I fell an absolute belter (Scottish for spectacular)?

I never fall, I have lived my whole life in fear of falling, not because I could injure myself, no, I’m hard as nails me. I live in fear of falling as someone might see me, how mortifying?! I was the kid that hung on for dear life to fences and railings in the winter when Mr Jack Frost had coated the entire place, there was no way I was about to deck it (Scottish for fall) in front of a bunch of people, ruthless teenage kids no less. Watching other dare devil kids walking on the ice and ultimately falling, struggling to regain their posture on the slippy, slidey ice was not a sport I wanted to ever take part in. Sure I laughed along with the other kids, calling the poor ice victim a dafty, mocking them for the rest of the school year, but inside I was secretly thankful the ice monsters got them and not me! I fake laughed to distract the other kids while I increased my iron grip of anything close by, including long grass. My walk to school on the ice was slow, nae, a slow shuffle, think of a geriatric old man, shuffling his way to the bathroom at the speed of an ill snail. That was me. I would not be taken down!

30 Things…..that should be made EXPLICITLY clear when having a child

Continuing with the 4 month long run up to my big 3-0 celebrations (previous 30 things), I have complied a list of 30 things that should be known to expectant parents. Maybe there should be some kind of disclosure agreement or something new expectant parents should sign before the big day, in fact these points should be make known to couples even thinking about conceiving a child! It’s all fun and games till the baby pops out, then the real hardshi(t)p begins!

Parenting class 101: John wick

I was watching John Wick the other day, I had seen it previously, a few years ago I think. I enjoyed it the first time, so when David suggested we watch it while we stuff our face full of take away, well, I was delighted. I was more than happy to watch a ‘man’ film with ‘men’ being men, blowing things up, shooting guns with great ease and awesome accuracy. I love a good macho macho (man) film.

As I was watching it, I had the normal ‘almost an adult’ thoughts, you know, the ‘I wonder how much that house cost?’ or ‘they obviously don’t have children with all that minimalistic white furniture’ or ‘she owns a lot of Jo Malone perfume (or is it cologne?), wonder what she does for a living?’. For a while now, when I’m watching films or TV shows, I’m thinking of the everyday practicalities these people live in – have you seen Fortitude? They guy that lives in a house with massive glass window panes in all directions? Does he not sit around in the buff, scratching his regions, picking his nose and flicking through the naked lady channels? Has he no shame that everyone can see him? But something new happened when I was watching John Wick the second time around. This time I learned a life lesson, and that lesson is ‘don’t raise your children to be arseholes!’.