Peeeppppa Pig – Pass the wine

You might think you know what love is, you may describe it as a warm fuzzy feeling or needing/longing for that special person or maybe you think love is managing to live with someone for your whole life without sticking their head in a blender when they are getting right on your tits.

Well, I’m going to tell you what true love actually is. It’s Peppa Pig at the cinema.

Jess telling us this is Peppa Pig, in case we didn’t already know…

I seen the ‘My first cinema experience’ with Peppa Pig advertised on my Facebook feed. It boasted of an interactive fun packed hour of new unseen episodes of the cute bacon and co, along with singing, dancing, snorts and giggles. Feeling the pressure of being a shit working mum who leaves her child with the grandparents 5 days out of 7, I thought this would be a great treat for the family. Jess would love it, her little face would light up as Peppa snorted about the big screen and I would feel like a #topmum when I see the glee in her little face.

Feeling quite excited, we left the house nice and early so we could nip into the supermarket to buy some snacks. Jess has an almost unhealthy addiction to fruit (you might think this is great but there is such a thing as too many grapes and that thing is explosive nappies) she filled the shopping basket with blueberries and grapes, I added a few gluten free breakfast biscuits and we were all set for the cinema.

We cannot wait for Peppa Pig to begin

It was great! Jess was well behaved, she sat up on her booster seat happily eating grapes and biscuits (not too far off a bloody cheese board) waiting for the main event. The big pink swine appeared on the screen, excited pointing and exclaiming of ‘PEPPA PIG’ erupted from Jess, she was loving the loud music and her favourite pig in all her snortty giggly glory.

Peppa has a human friend, her name is Daisy. She is an unnervingly happy smiley ‘life is wonderful’ fraud. She wore dungarees with daisys attached, who does that?! We get it love, your name is Daisy. Obviously over come with positivity and a wild zest for life, Daisy never noticed how weird ass her puppet pals Peppa and George look. They gave me the hibbies. I’m not sure what I would have expected, I guess they done their best at making a puppet version of Peppa and her annoying one worded little brother George. Their movement creeped me out, their mouths barely moved yet Peppa is quite eloquent with her words. Her eyes, oh the eyes, they pierced right through my soul and I did not like it.

Pretty much my smug face when Jess was behaving while other kids morph into horrors

A little smug with how well it was going I sat back to enjoy the show, I do like Peppa Pig. It is filled with witty sarcasm that appeals to my dark side. The fun was about to end, at least for Dave and I.

The grapes had been demolished, the biscuits gone, Jess was energised and ready to play. She is only 19 months, so anything longer that 3 minutes is enough to bore her. She started walking along the seats shouting ‘eight!’ at all the seat numbers. Then she wants up on the seat, down off the seat, up on a different seat, down from that seat. She wants another biscuit, she wants grapes, she wants to stand in the aisle, she wants to stand on my legs, she wants to stand on the seat and stare at the people behind. She was having the time of her life with the odd cry sprinkled in just to keep us on our toes.

Just when you think you are acing parenting the kid will be sure to sort that right out. Peppa had become boring as shit. That bitch Daisy was going on and on and on, I think her smile grew bigger as time passed as she knows fine well what torment parents are going through. Instead of shutting the hell up she began to sing more songs. Of course she hits out with the hokey cokey, that’s Jessica’s favorite. As soon as Daisy stops hokey cokey pokeying about the place Jess turns to me asking for ‘hokey?’, she wants me to whip out my phone and get the hokey cokey blasting on YouTube. I had to bribe my way out of that one, she did not understand why I couldn’t start a hokey party in the middle of the cinema.

Checking my watch I realise an hour had past and we must be getting released from this torment soon?! Other kids were just as fed up as Jess, many took to the aisles in protest. A few bold toddlers made a dash for the screen, I like to think they are running for the screen to grab Daisy and suffocate her with wet nappies. Jess couldn’t be bothered running to the screen, instead she lay on the floor in the middle of the aisle, in the dark, as kids and parents ran past. And do you think she got up? No. She shouted ‘NOOOOO!’ if we tried to move her. There’s only one thing worse than a stubborn grumpy kid and that’s a screaming stubborn grumpy kid.

Dave and I started giving each other the desperation eyes, we both wanted out of this piggy hell! Every time we thought it was all over, Daisy dropped another toddler belter of a tune. Give me bloody strength. I have only walked out the cinema once in my life, I’m not wasting my money but that Daisy one was pushing me. It was painful. We just wanted it to end. All 3 of us wanted it to end.

It’s over! The credits begin. Are you for real?! These credits are accompanied by a compilation of all the songs we have just sat through, there’s no way Jess is leaving now, not before another stomp at the hokey cokey. By this point the other kids are wailing, torn between their love of Peppa dancing and wanting to leave! It’s hard enough for an adult to sit and watch an hour of Peppa let alone a kid. Those as young as Jess must just see a talking pink pig-esque blob snorting about, at least us older kids can enjoy the dry sense of humour of the Queen driving a bus.

Would I do it again? Yes because I am an absolute idiot! The 2 second pang of happiness I get from seeing Jess enjoying herself is more than worth the hour long torment (and tired fueled tantrum post cinema). There’s nothing better that seeing Jess happy. Clearly I have some sort of self torment addiction as I have purchased tickets to a baby rave for the end of the month. Christ on a stick.

Wish me luck!